Reflection

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“Every journey a man takes, he learns. He discovers things in and around himself that eventually shape his existence. All it takes is a moment of reflection”

A beauty so pure, elegant and innocent,reflected against the dust colored drapes of the dancing trees , swaying unanimously as one, slowly giving in to the inevitability of the dawning darkness of the clandestine dusk. The bleeding sun at the horizon making every effort to prolong its departure, that painful separation of twelve hours, before it can be reunited with the beauty of the dawn, the love of its life.

Sitting by the open window of the mini bus, looking at the crimson in the eyes of the weeping sky, i could feel the torment that only two souls so deeply connected by the invisible and over powering bonds of an undefinitive love, forced into separation by definite circumstances, could feel. Emotions so overwhelmingly real, one had to be there at that instant to  truly feel its heartbreaking honesty.

I blinked against a sudden rush of the evening wind, which had chosen that precise moment to impose its existence. As I tried to open my slightly burning eyes, a solitary tear desperately fought its way out of the cold, marble eyes of a frozen soul. I quickly made a well rehearsed movement of my hands, that seasoned motion where I murdered any nascent drops of tears that showed a sign of disobedience against my will, while pretending to adjust my spectacles. I turned away, too scared to face the ugly truth in the reality of the fate of the sun and its love. The feeling of helplessness taking over my otherwise placid composure. I turned around and with some difficulty, owing to the crawling darkness, I could see silhouetted faces; faces that seemed so distant and detached, yet, familiar and comforting. Each bejeweled with a different expression, each with its own story. Happy and smiling, singing and celebrating; each in search of their sanctums. Some looking for it in the arms of their lovers, while some in their friendships. Some desperately searching for it in nature outside,  while others within themselves. Some on their way home, while some still stumbling and lost. Yet, the faces reflected content and peace.

Time escaped fluidly through the contours of life and as the orange sky narrated the epilogue of the sun’s melancholy, the last traces of the crimson melted into the deep blue shade of the night sky and then there was a different story altogether. As the transient flashes of the intermittent headlights of the passing vehicles danced their way into the bus, the translucent veil of equanimity was pulled off the happy faces, their eyes belying every ounce of the pretense they had so meticulously wrapped around themselves. It was the same expression everywhere, the uncertainties, the insecurities, the agony of  heartbreaks, and the pain of dejection. The emptiness of loss, the longing for love, the disappointing choices and the unfulfilled dreams. Each and everyone was fighting a battle, against the world, against themselves, and that moment, that evanescent moment in the dark and winding highway, reflected their true essence. They were, who they were meant to be and not what they had been made. They knew, they had to survive their ‘twelve hours’ before they could be reunited with a better tomorrow, a perfect tomorrow, their tomorrow. Till then they will survive, till then they will smile.

Slowly, one by one, they gave in and let sleep carry them in her comforting arms. My eyes were tingling again, but this time I did not hold back. I was safe, I was alone. I let every emotion that had piled up till that moment trickle down my face and slowly make its way into oblivion. I looked out the window and the crescent smiled back at me. It was a strange feeling, as if the moon was trying to comfort me. I looked at her enigmatic presence and then realized something. Something that had escaped me all these years, something that people had failed to see. In the night sky amidst all the stars, the moon stood alone. Yet, it smiled and comforted people in the unnerving darkness. The message was loud and clear. I took one last look at the now peaceful faces around me and then at the moon, I thought about the sun and about the better tomorrow. Like everybody else I had to fight my battle,I  had to survive. With new found respect in those comforting faces I closed my tired eyes.

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Charade

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Photo Source: http://businessboombolton.com

Like a Self-Destructing Calamity
One moment at a time
obliterating myself, my life
like a dying star.

With a black hole for a heart
an irreparable void,
consuming all the love I had,
a darkness I could not avoid.

You were my change, my reason to live
My inspiration for everything I did,
You were my blood, I was your vampire
Like the wolverine, for my moon I aspired.

What happened now, why did things change?
I tried my best, but, constantly failed
Picked up myself, put a smile on my face
For you my love, faced every disgrace

I promised my life and gave you my soul
When you expected a part, I gave you the whole
You were my symphony, a cure for my heart
And now you are gone, shredding it apart.

I had promised I will not cry
be strong, is all that I can try
It shall be hard, a burden to bear
with no one to listen, no one to hear.

But, the world will see a happy face
of pain and hurt there shall be no trace
Move on like the clock on the wall
I am a human after all.

Fiction

depression

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I stood there stripped naked, staring at my reflection jeering back at me, mocking my existence; the cold wind like knife against my bare skin. It was dark and lonely. I panicked and closed my eyes, praying I was safe. Someone tugged me from behind. I turned to find failure looking at me. He talked to me, tried to comfort me and as he did that I drifted peacefully into the lullabies of my miseries.

I fell.

The wind was hitting hard against my skin, tossing me around like an empty can that was sucked, crushed and thrown like it had never belonged. As I was falling, hope found me. I tried to hold onto her clinging on for dear life. But, no matter how hard she tried I kept slipping away. I was falling and with me she was too. So I stared back into her reassuring eyes one last time and smiled.

I let go.

With a deafening crash I hit hopelessness, drowning into its abyss, carrying the weight of my life. I tried to breathe, but, something was choking me. Was it guilt or was it shame? Was it self-pity or was it pain? I guess I could never find out. I was a coward who had quit.

I gave in.

There was a momentary emptiness, like a vacuum, in my head. The pain in my lungs was sharp as a shiver ran down my spine. “Maybe this is an epiphany”, I thought as I opened my eyes against the blinding white light. Everything was blurry, but I could see someone or something standing over me. Slowly as my vision cleared I saw two tender eyes staring right into my soul. It was magical. As I lay there looking into those mystical eyes, I felt the last traces of disappointment draining out. It felt as if I had never let go of hope.

All was well.

He picked me up and took me in. He cared for me and nourished me. In his backyard I learnt to walk again; on his shoulders I learnt to fly again. In his arms I found strength and in his presence I could live again.

I was reborn.

I was growing up again. It was a new life, a new adventure. In this journey I was reunited with innocence and introduced to joy. Together we played the game of happiness and learnt the melodies of laughter. We listened to great tales of imagination and when we were tired, we rested under the canopy of trust.

I could smile.

Adolescence found me in my journey and together as brothers, we pursued love. Love, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. In her presence I felt safe, felt alive. I was complete. I was whole.

I had found meaning.

I never realized that time was running away. In the shadows, fate had been conspiring against me the whole time. My past had come to take me back. I should have fought back, but I didn’t. Words failed me and so did courage. Like a traitor I betrayed myself. I lost my love, just gave her away.

I failed.

Friendship came to my rescue, to help me out, to save me, but I was consumed. Spite, jealousy and self-pity were my new company. I was beyond repair. The more I thought about it, I realized that this was meant to be. There never was any help. There never was any hope. There was no love and nor was there innocence. It was all a fiction written by a ghost. It was a drug that had been holding me down. It had always been a part of the plot and I should have realized it. It seemed so obvious now, so predictable.

I had lost.

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A silver bullet and the golden sun,

A shivering hand on the icy gun,

Pleading eyes and a beating heart

Lying still on the crimson earth

The Unfortunate Rejects

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Who we were, and what we are,
Who’ll we be, and what become of us?
The broken of heart,
The unfortunate rejects
Is this it?
The end I mean;
Is it done?
Or do we still carry this curse?

Trust we did,
Was that our mistake?
Love  we had,
was that the crime?
Hope we held,
and faith we cherished,
Sadly, we could never draw the line

Now we are, like broken mirrors
Waiting for time,
To heal us, and fix us whole
Sculptures of ice,
Frozen inside
We are,
but love’s unfortunate rejects