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I stood there stripped naked, staring at my reflection jeering back at me, mocking my existence; the cold wind like knife against my bare skin. It was dark and lonely. I panicked and closed my eyes, praying I was safe. Someone tugged me from behind. I turned to find failure looking at me. He talked to me, tried to comfort me and as he did that I drifted peacefully into the lullabies of my miseries.
The wind was hitting hard against my skin, tossing me around like an empty can that was sucked, crushed and thrown like it had never belonged. As I was falling, hope found me. I tried to hold onto her clinging on for dear life. But, no matter how hard she tried I kept slipping away. I was falling and with me she was too. So I stared back into her reassuring eyes one last time and smiled.
I let go.
With a deafening crash I hit hopelessness, drowning into its abyss, carrying the weight of my life. I tried to breathe, but, something was choking me. Was it guilt or was it shame? Was it self-pity or was it pain? I guess I could never find out. I was a coward who had quit.
I gave in.
There was a momentary emptiness, like a vacuum, in my head. The pain in my lungs was sharp as a shiver ran down my spine. “Maybe this is an epiphany”, I thought as I opened my eyes against the blinding white light. Everything was blurry, but I could see someone or something standing over me. Slowly as my vision cleared I saw two tender eyes staring right into my soul. It was magical. As I lay there looking into those mystical eyes, I felt the last traces of disappointment draining out. It felt as if I had never let go of hope.
All was well.
He picked me up and took me in. He cared for me and nourished me. In his backyard I learnt to walk again; on his shoulders I learnt to fly again. In his arms I found strength and in his presence I could live again.
I was reborn.
I was growing up again. It was a new life, a new adventure. In this journey I was reunited with innocence and introduced to joy. Together we played the game of happiness and learnt the melodies of laughter. We listened to great tales of imagination and when we were tired, we rested under the canopy of trust.
I could smile.
Adolescence found me in my journey and together as brothers, we pursued love. Love, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. In her presence I felt safe, felt alive. I was complete. I was whole.
I had found meaning.
I never realized that time was running away. In the shadows, fate had been conspiring against me the whole time. My past had come to take me back. I should have fought back, but I didn’t. Words failed me and so did courage. Like a traitor I betrayed myself. I lost my love, just gave her away.
Friendship came to my rescue, to help me out, to save me, but I was consumed. Spite, jealousy and self-pity were my new company. I was beyond repair. The more I thought about it, I realized that this was meant to be. There never was any help. There never was any hope. There was no love and nor was there innocence. It was all a fiction written by a ghost. It was a drug that had been holding me down. It had always been a part of the plot and I should have realized it. It seemed so obvious now, so predictable.
I had lost.
A silver bullet and the golden sun,
A shivering hand on the icy gun,
Pleading eyes and a beating heart
Lying still on the crimson earth